I had a baby in January of this year. Now mind you I have two "older" children, so she is my third. I knew the sleepless nights that would follow when she arrived. I knew the tired days that would feel like they were speeding along while also moving at a snails pace. I was prepared as I could be for this!
We had a long delivery which ended in a C-section (another post would have to be made to even touch those 24 hours). She arrives and thus starts my husband and my journey of a family of 5! My sister stays with us to help us adjust to this new dynamic and I am so utterly grateful because no matter "how prepared" you are....it is never enough.
I am tired, I am sore from the c-section, I am struggling with breast feeding, but I still think I am doing OK!
We pass the 2 month mark and with her shots comes the anticipation of dropping her off at day care the next week... THEN... "the pandemic". Instead of dropping off the kids at daycare, I am keeping ALL THREE home. I was definitely not prepared for this. My sister had just left a couple weeks prior because we were in the clear! I was about to go back to work, and juggling all of my hats was finally going to be easier with daycare. But, no, my life changed to: a full time working from home mom. I was struggling completing my work tasks because I was herding 3 kids all day. During naps and after bedtime I would work to keep the waves of failure at bay. I still thought, I am struggling but I am doing OK.
I convinced my sister to return back to assist my little family, and she was our superhero! Our little clan was getting their footing once again and we were tackling this thing called life! Around 5 months postpartum I decided to take a trip to visit my twin sister. This would be our first trip with the kids, and the first trip since "quarantine". I knew with my older sister's help we would be fine on the 5 hour journey. We were all doing OK.
While on our mini vacation. My son became sick. I was worried, I was anxious, I was not very nice, I felt guilty for bringing a sick baby into my twin's home (who had a baby of her own), I felt the pressure of being an inconvenience with THREE kids that were constantly running around the house getting into things or crying in the middle of the night! My sisters were trying to help, but I was not accepting it. We tend to double down on the destructive behavior when someone points it out and that is exactly what I was doing. I was convinced that "This is my life, I have to be able to handle it". My emotions boiled over and my sisters had a form of "intervention". They told me that my anxiety was making them anxious. I denied it. I was doing OK. "Yes I am anxious but I just live being anxious" my inner monologue was going crazy! This is how I have been managing since January. This is normal for a mom of three under three...right? With some soft words from my sweet sisters and the weight finally overwhelming me I realized; I am NOT OK.
No one tells you that there is something called "Post Partum Anxiety".
We focus so much on the "Depression" aspect that sometimes moms who can not get out of their own anxious thoughts are overlooked. I was taking care of the baby and the other kids just fine. There were no "I am the worst mom" thoughts. There were not any thoughts that made me think that I was a risk to myself or my children. I was not sad!
On the other side of it now, I can see what there WAS: chest pains everyday, I didn't want anyone to have to worry about taking care of my kids, I didn't want me or my kids to be a burden, my thoughts were consumed with what I missed the day before or what I had to do that day, I would focus on everything as a whole and feel like I was letting my kids down, I was feeling the stress of the house not being clean, feeling like my husband came home thinking "what have you done today" (even though that was never said or implied).
Your mind can be a prison when anxiety comes in. In the moment, I didn't even know I was trapped.
If you are in this place. If you are CONVINCING yourself you are not sad, so you can't have "postpartum depression" and that this is normal...please know that "postpartum anxiety" can be just as crippling but can definitely be overcome! I sought help, I was put on medicine. I was worried at first because, I felt like I was admitting defeat. BUT this is not defeat! If you are struggling and seek help THIS IS STRENGTH!