As I was looking over this blog (that I kind of put on hold these last few months) I noticed a post I started while I was struggling with my milk drying up. I was emotional as I wrote this and it is not the best writing but I want to share it because I know so many women that are here, that are hard on themselves and try so hard to live up to the expectations of motherhood and breastfeeding. This is from sometime in September 2020.
“I just sat in my office for the last 20 minutes AFTER pumping for 20 minutes trying to hand express 0.5 oz more of breast milk. I wanted to get to my goal, to make it to the amount that I bag so my next pump can be a whole new feeding.
Ladies let me tell you, if you are someone that finds so much joy in breastfeeding, I am in awe of you! I struggle with it. And I know I am not alone. It is drilled into us that we should nurse, it is best for the baby. That we should love the skin to skin contact and the bonding is necessary. But let me tell you....I do enjoy providing for my child, I do enjoy the little peaceful moments that she nurses on me but I also have just as many, if not more, moments that I think "this is so time consuming, I wish I could be doing the dishes right now" When I am nursing I usually have a 1 year old whos crying that he wants attention, I have a 2 year old yelling at me that they need to go tee-tee. It is an amazing thing that I have been able to provide for my chiild in this way because with the other two it was not an option. But let me tell you, it is not necessary for bonding. All three of my children fill my heart to the point that it is overflowing. All three of my children have had the special bonding of my holding them with a bottle and their little hand is holding my face.
My sisters absolutely LOVE nursing. They are super moms and have gone beyond 1 year nursing on their girls. I have honestly felt guilty at times because I don't love it and cherish it as much as them! I know its my own personal struggle, they don't think any less of me because of it but society has implanted this in my head that I should adore it, that it is how I show my love.”
Ladies, we show love to our children every day, IN SO MANY WAYS. Breastfeeding is a blessing I was able to do for 10 months and it was such a special thing, but let me tell you....it was HARD. I struggled with so much anxiety with it, I struggled with so much of my own self hatred during it. I also loved watching my child cuddle into me while I was able to comfort her, I loved being able to not worry about packing bottles when we went somewhere, and I loved knowing that I was what she needed. motherhood is hard and rewarding. It is love, anxiety, laughter, and tears.
You are the perfect mother for your baby, no matter what your style is. God has designed this for us, don’t let society tell you what’s best.